Reclaiming Desire: How Black Women Can Own Their Sexual Pleasure
As a Black woman, you’ve probably heard these phrases loud and clear: “You’re too much,” “You’re too sexual (fast),” “You’re strong enough to handle anything.” Messages and phrases like these don’t typically come from strangers; they come from our family. Wearing tight clothing means you want unwanted attention from a male. Hanging with the guys means you were being fast. Movies and media depict us as prostitutes or as not being able to keep a healthy relationship. This is how we were taught to see ourselves, making us doubt something we shouldn’t have to: our right to desire and to fully enjoy our bodies.
Let’s talk about some myths that we as Black women hear about sexuality, and why they are lies that need to die today:
1. “Black women are naturally hypersexual.”
Hell no! False! Let’s be real. Sexuality is personal, unique, and complicated. This is nothing but a stereotype that exists to dehumanize us and erase the diversity of our experiences. Your desire is YOURS, and it doesn’t have to fit ANYONE else’s expectations.
2. “Black women don’t need pleasure. They’re strong.”
Having strength is not the same as having joy and doesn’t mean you have to deny yourself joy. You and your body deserve pleasure, you and your mind deserve satisfaction, and you and your soul deserve to feel fucking good. Needing AND wanting pleasure does not make you weak!
3. “Black women are always 'available' or 'easy.’”
CONSENT IS NON-NEGOTIABLE!!!!!!!! Whatever boundaries you set are real, valid, and necessary! NO ONE can assume your desire. It is YOURS to explore or share.
4. “Expressing sexual desire is unladylike.”
This is the backhanded comments we received as children. The side-eye, a joke, or a comment about how you “shouldn’t talk like that,” or “dress like that.” Speaking about your desires, owning your fantasies, and asking for what you want is EMPOWERING, NOT SHAMEFUL!!
5. “Black women don’t talk about their sexual needs.”
Many of us were never shown or given the space to speak up. Communication is powerful and needed in all areas of our lives. Saying what you want, what you like, and what you don’t like isn’t just healthy, it’s transformative for your relationship with yourself and others and how you connect.
How to Reclaim Your Desire
Reflect: Grab your journal or your notes app and write down what you want. Now, don’t think too hard about it, the first things that come to mind. DO NOT focus on what you’ve been told to want. Not what’s expected of you. What YOU want.
Practice Self-Touch & Exploration: Touch yourself and notice what feels good, while moving, or dancing. Touch it with care and attention. How can you tell someone what you want and what feels good to you if you do not touch yourself and find out?
Communicate: Communication can be hard, so start small. “I like this…” or “I want to try…,” with a partner or writing it down and practicing in the mirror with yourself.
Reject the Myths Daily: When you hear those old messages in the back of your mind, call them out and tell them to SHUT UP! Remind yourself: Your pleasure matters. Your body matters. You matter.
Pleasure is not optional. It is a form of resistance. When we claim it, we are rejecting the stereotypes, the shame, and the cultural scripts that have tried to control us. Owning your desires is radical. Brave. And it is yours.
So, today, take a deep breath, check in with your body, and ask yourself: “What do I want? What makes me feel good? Then do one thing, even a small thing, to honor that.
Your pleasure isn’t just for someone else. It’s for you.
